She felt that the difficulties in her life could never have been avoided, really; that it was just something that had happened, that had happened very forcefully and almost authoritatively (violently), and that there was absolutely no stopping of it, at all. This realization gave her a lot of peace of mind and enough resolve to carry on with her life as if nothing had ever gone on or was going on, and that nothing was harming her psychologically or otherwise. She felt she didnât care, deep down, about her own lifeâabout the difficulties in it. She was convinced about god and his loving presence. But she would get shook up by some of the problematic features of her own life, and of others’. She felt a lot better whenever she would read the holy scripture of her faith. Nothing in life really meant anything to her, ultimately. At the foundation or roots of it, she felt nothing really had much meaning, in itself. Every issue was meaningless, to a great extent; none of those things had much value, to her. She didnât really like school, or collegeâshe preferred reading, writing, and drawing, in her own spare time. She always had plans to go into some sort of work after college, similar to what she did in the past, as a high-schooler and undergrad. She didnât mind not having high status or recognition in any way shape or form, but she did somewhat hope that she could do work that paid fairly wellâabove minimum wage. She was looking into multimedia arts and animation (animated filmmaking) as possible employment and wage-work, for her future. She felt she had to re-route her career plans after realizing she wasnât cut out for analytical reading and writing, and analysis-based work. This was especially because of her cognitive problems. And this was despite her university education in critical reading, composition, and editing. She was in a lot of psychological pain notwithstanding her overall cheerful outlook on life, and on her own life. It didnât actually matter to her what happened, or what didnât happen. But she usually felt panicked and scared, nonetheless. She prayed that all of the fear and trauma would be taken out of her conscience, or at least morphed into something less distressing, so that she could live her life optimally. This is even considering the difficulties she knew she was facing, and that she might have to face, in future. Ultimately, she did feel a lot of negative feelings, but she looked for those moments of clear-sightedness and calm, which she felt was the true state of man. It was never mainly about the suffering, itself. Everything in her life indicated to her that everything bad–including intense suffering–comes to an end. It all becomes nothingness, after a while. Only goodness and mercy remain. She was interested in the bottom-line meaning of life, as well as the journey and the moments of clarity and grace, more so than mistakes that might have been made, or unjust things that might have happened. Especially in terms of unresolved difficulties and painful suffering–she understood that those aspects are often not significant beyond the liberation, release, and purification that they compel one to undergo. She saw that there were definite moments of love and grace in life, and she felt that that was what she should focus on. She felt that that was her niche; focusing on positive elements of life and helping others to see the positive. This is in contrast to helping to alleviate problems and difficulties–she felt that that was beyond her reach, and true interest. And so she felt that one could dedicate one’s life to helping others truly see the goodness in life–especially through utilizing the arts, and the creative industries. Or, conversely, one could dedicate her life more towards alleviating and eradicating the bad, or the evils. Especially through sociopolitical fields, public affairs, human services, and the helping professions. Despite her preference towards creative work, like animation and video production/filmmaking, the civic professions had actually appealed to her quite a lot, too. Especially in regards to political journalism–working at a political press, or publishing house. Being an editor, or similar type of publishing professional. And the communal, for-the-common-good fields also appealed to her in regards to small nonprofits; helping her community through program coordination, grant writing/fundraising, and similar duties. Despite her genuine interest in what could be called socially conscious work, or community-enhancing work, she wasn’t sure why she had planned so forcefully to go into such fields when she always knew she would be happier and healthier with creative work. With animation, as aforementioned–and as one example of what she could possibly do in the creative-work industry. She wished she could have been more honest with herself, and more introspective, all along. She realized she should stop forcing herself towards a life and a career that is clearly not meant for her; she should stop forcing herself towards text-based and speaking-based work. And research-based or civic-oriented types of things. Those fields are what she thought she had to do or go into, almost by compulsion or duty. She didn’t realize that those fields, those overall types of things, were not for her; she had a supremely hard time coming to terms with that reality. Despite this, she always liked creative arts. In fact, she never met one person who didn’t like music, film, video, literature, and illustration, much like she did. She was excited for the future, despite her difficult past. She felt she needed to get rid of fear and other negative feelings before she could embark on a good future for herself, whether in her work-life, or otherwise. She prayed to god for guidance, calm, and relief. She prayed for patience, wisdom, and those kinds of things. She was beginning to see the true value in family, art, and spirituality. And so again, the beneficial and positive aspects of life were starting to open up to her, and she felt that those elements might be her true forte, rather than anything too administrative or authority-based, in a sense. Or anything too problem-solving, in a way. She felt that helping to alleviate life’s problems–truly helping to eradicate or eliminate life’s external difficulties, and its macro/mezzo/micro-level problems–was beyond her ability, and perhaps interest. And so she finally didn’t go for that type of thing; she went elsewhere. She felt that that might have been the sharpest and shrewdest decision she had ever made, due to the family, art, and religion/spirituality that would surely be opened up for her, now–now that she didn’t have to dedicate her life to what she felt would have been highly cumbersome work, for her. In reality, she had schizoaffective disorder and serious cognitive problems, anyway, and so maybe her slight obsession with going into reading-and-writing-based work–entering the workforce in a studiousness-rooted career, and being in a deeply cognitive type of employment endeavor; mental labor–was unfeasible for her from the beginning. Or, unrealistic, from the get-go. She finally planned to work certain jobs around the neighborhood, with highly tentative plans to apply for entry-level multimedia/animation jobs, in future. She felt she made the right choice for herself for the coming years, for the meantime; going for certain types of work around the neighborhood, and practicing self-care, spirituality, and her artistic efforts as a practicing visual artist. Properly caring for herself was always difficult for her, likely in part because of her mental disability. She felt that now that she didn’t have to attain and live out an elite career–now that she didn’t have to live out an overly-taxing career, or something beyond her ability–she could devote more time to caring for herself to the best of her ability. Exercise, sleep, healthy eating and mindful preparation of food, hygiene and cleanliness, stress reduction, and etc. She now could also perform her acts of worship with more focus and clarity–her daily prayers, readings, fasting, and etc. She hoped she could find some type of success as an artist/illustrator and a writer, although it didn’t really matter to her whether that ever became a reality, or not. And she thought it wasn’t only her self-care, spirituality, and artistic endeavors that would improve in quality, now that a ‘cerebral career’ like publishing and nonprofit work was dismissed and cancelled; she felt that her domestic work would improve, too. She felt that the necessary and unavoidable tasks to be done at home–not only preparing meals and keeping the place clean, but all of the errands to run for the house–would be taken care of and completed much more readily and with good spirit, and with grace and patience, now that she didn’t have to sacrifice most of her time at an uncompromising/demanding career. She felt that in the past, she would often neglect domestic duties and responsibilities, mainly because she had had the mindset that she was in college, that ‘she was still an undergrad,’ and that she was somehow absolved from it, for that reason. She was honestly under the impression that she would work at a highly cerebral type of career after graduation, and so taking good care of her home surroundings was minimized in her mind, even as she lived at home and had had many opportunities to be a consistent and everyday help. She honestly did often perform domestic tasks and responsibilities, but without thinking about it or considering it very much. She sensed at the time that those duties weren’t her primary focus, at all. She felt that her primary focus was finishing school and getting an entry-level job somewhere, and working her way up at a small publishing company, or small nonprofit of sorts. And so domestic duties usually got done when they got done, rather than being done on any frequent schedule. She felt that with an elite or advanced career now out of the way, she could do her domestic tasks with some grace and patience, rather than doing them carelessly and without attentiveness. She realized–and this had emotionally moved her very much–that there was a difference between doing your daily tasks with great spirit and patience, and doing them with impatience or hurriedness. She realized that in her case, in her own experience, it was mainly when something was deeply troubling her and bothering her that she began to become fearful, unfocused, and impatient with her chores and tasks. And so it was actually only when she felt an underlying feeling of molestation and bother that she would miss the mark with her chores, doing them sloppily or haphazardly. It was all due to her emotional agitation. She had a form of schizophrenia at the end of the day, and so she dealt with much residual paranoia and mental blockages. But other than this specific hindrance–along with bad memories from the past, and intrusive thoughts–other than her mental problems and the constraints they sometimes placed on her performance, she felt she actually carried out her tasks quite well. She felt there was nothing significantly lacking in her efforts and her performance at home, even taking her disability and functional problems into account. She felt that her performance at her part-time jobs was fine, too, for that matter. She tried her best at her places of employment. || All in all, she felt she finally realized what adulthood meant, to a great extent: she came to the conclusion that it’s about making solid choices about how you plan to live your life; and then simply doing those tasks to the best of your ability. Solid choices, about how you live your life(!) She wished someone would have told her that it’s ok to not have an elite or advanced career, and that it doesn’t matter. She felt silly for having stressed about it for years–for about six years. She was glad that she had attained some college experience; she felt that the biggest benefit of college for her by far was to help ensure her that academia, and all fields even remotely similar to academia, certainly wasn’t for her. Her cognitive difficulties were too much, and she disliked collaborating with others on assignments and projects. Studying and completing assignments was far too challenging, and she didn’t enjoy the collaborative nature of scholarship and educational endeavors. Plus, she didn’t think she had much to add, in any academic scope; she felt there was nothing she could add that others were not already adding, in a much more intelligent and helpful way than she could. This was despite some genuine interest in religious studies, disability studies, comparative literature, and sociological subfields (certain aspects of sociology), on her part. She felt that producing her own creative work would be a better use of her time than gaining expertise and becoming a scholar in any particular discipline or subject. She determined and concluded that her future was not in academia, in the ivory towers of universities–not even by a long shot. Or in anything even remotely similar–research work, editing/publishing, program coordination, or anything. She would often go for walks and be in nature to help clear her head on these types of future-plans issues. And on all issues that caught her attention and interested her, in troubling or pressuring ways. Her worries were starting to slip away from her. She didn’t let it go–she could never truly do that, because that would take guts and bravery. Rather, the problems themselves started to dissolve and go somewhere else, due to staying with her for far too long. She was excited for the future; she was always hopeful that things would get better, and work out for her. She felt that working certain types of lower-paid jobs, while taking care of her house and her health, and while being more particular about her religious practice and her art practice, was all that she could do. That’s where she got her pride and enrichment from, anyway; she never got a sense of deep happiness at the thought of elite endeavors and careers, in life. Stress and negative energy was all she ever got from the internships and similar things she had done, in the past. Even the internships and the relevant college classes she took (editing, grant writing, composition classes, etc.) didnât do it, for her. So what made her think that when she entered the workforce as a professional such-and-such, that everything would be ok? Why wouldnât it be even worse than the classes she took in college, and the internships she had tried. This feeling of cognitive impairment (1) and discomfort with interacting with others (2) (and disinterest in the actual work. 3) had actually worried her though, because she knew that only the âadvancedâ and full-time careers in life actually paid well and offered any employment benefits. She felt she was correct in her own judgment of things, though; she knew she had a good point with how she assessed her situation. She had the upper hand, in fact. As for her financial situation; applying for disability compensation (much later down the lineâŠin maybe ten years, or so) was not off the table, honestly. Her psychiatric condition was covered under the ADA–the Americans With Disabilities Act. Another thing; she felt she wanted to be a foster mom and an adoptive mother if she ever met someone and started a family, and so being a parent and caretaker was always a possibility, too. (She was not having biological children.) Not that she was planning for a family situation that didnât even happen, yet. But whatever. At any rate, she genuinely had other plans for her work and her income, and possibly for her whole life, other than a high-earning career. She felt she finally had it all figured out; the plans just needed time to solidify and gel, in her mind. Everything newly-decided takes time for one to really be convinced of it in her mind, and to find peace with it. She prayed for peace of mind and humility, because those types of qualities help one to get through any difficulties and rough patches. | She was also a writer; she mostly wrote reviews of books of poetry and nonfiction. These “reviews” were based on her engagement with certain points in the books, more so than analysis or commentary on the books as a whole. Her âreviewsâ were of the positive and keen variety, engaging with the texts in order to help broaden her own understanding of the topics at hand, and to offer her own report on what the authors in question are saying. She focused her reviews and commentary on classic (canonical) poetry collections, and on certain types of essay collections, memoirs, biographies, and topical books. She mostly read poetry and nonfiction. Although: she read short-form fiction, too. Short stories, novellas, and etc. She felt she was inclined towards books that dealt with spiritual matters, trauma narratives, and social/cultural/political issues. Ethnographical writings, or writings that help people to understand other people’s world views, positions, and problems, were especially intriguing to her. Most of all, she felt that books that presented personal trauma narratives might be her true niche or true forte in regards to reading and reviewing literature. Despite her interest in sociopolitical writings–academic texts, political memoirs, or otherwise–she felt that micro-level problems, individualized problems, and personal problems, was her true interest when it came to literature. She actually felt that macro- and mezzo-level problems would always have a plethora of people and groups to address them, optimally. She felt that macro- and mezzo-level problems were highly solvable, actually; and that extrinsic conditions can be eliminated. And that it was just a matter of time. She felt that personal problems were more intrinsic and naturally-occuring, though; she called them human-condition problems. Existential problems, psychological problems, interpersonal problems, and etc. These were the types of issues that had plagued her throughout her life, rather than any deep conflict with macro-level phenomena. Although; she understood that macro-level issues affect everyone, regardless of one’s own standing or position in life. Her own problems in life were struggles with belief in god, due to the problem of evil; her schizoaffective illness; and domestic abuse and isolation. So: existential, psychological, and interpersonal problems, as aforementioned. All in all, she felt she wanted to mostly review books that talked about individualized and personalized trauma narratives; non-political trauma narratives. | In regards to her illustration practice, she aspired towards childrenâs picture books, book cover art, illustrations for magazines and newspapers, calendars and stationary, greetings cards, and etc. And her own online print-on-demand store, selling items with her art printed on them. As competitive and freelance as art/illustration actually is, she found drawing soothing, and thought it would be a wonderful thing for herâfor her situationâif she could find some success as a visual artist. | She thought she might apply for entry-level jobs at animation studios, in the distant future, with hopes of eventually becoming an animator. She felt that digital art and animation was something she could actually âsee through, to the end’âshe could do the required tasks with little mental discomfort, or trouble. And she had heard that it can very well be permanent employment–that you can be employed full- or part-time as an animator at a studio or film company, or the like. This is in contrast to fine arts and illustration, which are most often freelance and commission-based. Thatâs what she had heard. So she wanted to work at an animation studio, in future. She thought if she could manage to work at a studio that produces meaningful filmsâespecially series of impactful films or videosâthat that would be fun and a good type of challenge, for her. It would be gainful and worthwhile, to her; stimulating and beneficial. Animated screenings that center around the theme of difficulties, and of having a constant way of putting those difficulties into perspective, was especially appealing to her. In fact; music videos, childrenâs tv programming, motivational videos, and evocative and picturesque short-films, would all work well for her. So would educational animation, or animated productions that educate about a concept, a person, a culture, a place, a historical phenomenon or movement, and etc. | Despite her interest in and proficiency with animation, she knew that permanent employment at a company–a permanent position–meant âwork to be produced at very real and unmoving deadlines; close collaboration with co-workers and superiors; much talking and communication, and teamwork; a level of camaraderie that necessarily has to come about (she had a lot of problems with fitting in and being appreciated by her peers, sometimes); possibly several tasks to be completed, a day–(i.e., not only animating videos and films, but reading instructions on how the director envisions the productions to be like; getting her sections of the film approved and okayed, before release; reading and answering emails and other communications, promptly; maybe helping others finish their allocated sections of the films/videos, if things fall behind; really putting her best effort into utilizing the animation software to produce the best viewing experience possible; and etc.). Point being: she actually felt that corporate culture and the corporate workday might take a toll on her, despite the fact that she did like animation. She wondered whether any corporate climate would be optimal for her well-being, or whether she should âjustâ work freelance. She concludingly thought that being a freelance and independent animator (and illustrator and writer) would be best for her. Obviously. She had a bizarre tendency to try to will certain outcomes towards her, but she knew how bad and hindering her psychiatric disability actually was. She determined that she should work odd jobs while practicing her creative work, on the side. Corporate climate being ditched as an unhealthy environment, for her specific case. | In conclusion, she thought she would work odd jobs–especially thrift store work (donation sorting, and etc.); after-school tutoring (tutoring elementary schoolers); library assistance (shelving books, checking out books, and etc.), and similar things. Thatâs what she had either done or had been attracted to, in the past. She would seriously write, illustrate, and animate, on the side. And despite her legitimate concerns with it, she still planned to work in animation, in the distant futureâshe planned to be permanently employed at a studio, or small film/video production company. She thought that that was her best placement or best hope, in terms of employment that compensated above minimum wageâemployment wherein she didnât have to worry about her income level, and about making enough money. And it was somewhat of an optimal placement for her, in regards to her abilities. Meaning; she felt that she could probably handle at least the nuts and bolts of the careerâthe animating part, or creating the visuals for animated videos and filmsâeven for all her nervousness about all the peripheral tasks and responsibilities. Peripheral tasks and deep collaboration with co-workers often accompany all lines of work, in realityânot only animation/animated filmmaking. But she felt that her shyness and her difficulty with follow-through and sticking with a job, a work routine, could actually be gotten over if she could find work (and if she could secure employment) at a studio, a company wherein she could draw and contribute to hand-drawn films and videos, and that sort of thing. She slowly realized that there’s no shame in being attracted to that sort of thing. | And so it was probably as simple as that, the whole thing. The answer to âwhat she should do with her lifeâ was always kind of obvious. “What she should do” wasnât complicated or impossible, she thought. It might become especially challenging for her when she becomes an animator, a multimedia artist for real–but she will likely just have to make that job work out for her, rather than not going for it at all. She felt slightly bad about not being capable of an ‘elite’ or âcivic’ career. Or any sort of advanced theoretical career, a community-oriented type of thing. She felt that her BA–her undergraduate education in English literature, with a liberal studies approach–had been a total waste of time, evidently. Classes in museum studies, grant writing, editing, writing composition (I, II, and III), grammar, linguistics, communications (intercultural; mass/media; interpersonal); political science, nonprofit studies, English literature. It had all been for nothing. She should not have gone for higher ed. At least, not for the educational program she had chosen. She should have done an associateâs in multimedia and animation, at most. Even a bachelors would have been unnecessary. | She looked forward to her future, despite her rather painful past. She sensed that a rolling stone gathers no moss. That to just keep moving on to the next moment–the next productive moment, hopefully; the next out-breath, the next moment of one’s attention–will help ward off any depression or fretfulness/panic/angst/fear that may come up in one’s heart. Thatâs what she had always guessed the proverb to mean. âTry to âkeep it moving,â as much as possible”; rumination and clinging onto things is not good, even if bad things do happen. She felt that god, in his infinite wisdom and compassion, has a plan for each person, specifically–regardless of all the pain and confusion that exists in life. | And so she realized that her essential career goal–what she wanted to do, in essence–was to become a working author, illustrator, and animator. âAuthorâ meaning an essayist and poet, compiling her work into full-length books. As for âillustrator:â she drew digitally, using her tablet device, and physically, with sketch paper, erasable pen, pencil, and watercolor paint. She understood that art books, or artistâs books, would be the best placement for her illustrations. Despite her proficiency with childrenâs illustration, product packaging design, stationary design, book cover art, and etc.âshe knew that collecting personal, self-directed drawings into independent art books was where she might truly find her footing in the art scene, and art world. And so she felt something that called her towards art books, above all else. This is in regards to her illustrations. In terms of becoming an animator; she planned to do narrated videos wherein she could talk about certain aspects of her life, and certain experiences sheâd had, over the years. The narrations would be paired with animation, or moving images on the screen. She also planned to acquire formal education in animation arts, and then eventually apply for positions with animation companies and studios, as aforementioned. | She liked doing things by herself. She had never belonged to any writersâ or artistsâ guild. Or any sort of group or organization, ever in her life. She wasnât planning on joining anything, either. She didnât mind being unpaid; she knew she was doing the right thing for herself, and that she was doing what she liked. | In sum, she realized that her subliminal and underlying career goal was to become a working author, illustrator, and animator. In regards to independent work, she wanted to produce meaningful content, even if they should remain unfinished drafts and manuscripts, and are not considered to be successful and important, and whatnot. Being an animator, illustrator, and writer was rather different than what most of her peers had done. She had a fewâvery fewâacquaintances who had studied things like art history, business administration, nursing, education, and international relations. These people were now TAâs/undergrad teaching assistants, managers, nurses, grade school teachers, and employees at social service organizations. They had went to school, studied a subject, and went into relevant employment, afterwards. Despite what everyone else was doing, she wanted to go into multimedia arts, fine arts/illustration, and creative writing. She honestly didn’t care too much about the negative things she knew and sensed (and understood) about her own life. She saw that this learned indifference and ignoring of things, this tolerance and patience, was actually a good thing; it was one of her strengths.
~
She had done a few internships and part-time jobs before, mainly in after-school tutoring; helping out with different projects and events at a certain local nonprofit in her area; and in graphic design – producing flyers and social media cover pictures for a handful of small nonprofits and groups. She thought the opportunities that had suited her best were the graphic design roles she had done. This was further indication that creative work was her preferred path. And she sensed that the design work she had done wasnât an exact fit, actually; it wasnât freeing enough. She felt that illustration and multimedia arts was more her thing; free-hand drawing and visual arts. | She didnât really think she had much to offer anyone, let alone an entire group of people, or “the world.” Even for her involvement in and admiration of community serviceâeven the slightest actions were significant, to her; she felt she had sometimes been made fun of for being “a low-level volunteer” in her neighborhood, rather than being involved in systemic change, as some of her high-achieving peers had doneâfor all her interest in and admiration of volunteer work; she had actually been a volunteer in her area since her high school days, with Key Club, a community service club for high schoolers, and a wider service organization; although she had long-before been attracted to volunteer work and to the idea of helping one’s community, she was disinterested in administrative nonprofit work, or anything like that, any sort of administrative efforts. Political work included; it didn’t really strike her fancy, or anything. Similarly, she was disinterested in studying, and in academic achievement. She had been an apathetic student starting her third year at college. Not all of it could be attributed to cognitive problems, and her mental health conditionâmuch of it was that she was disinterested in formal studying, by that time. And so both administrative work (whether nonprofit in nature, or political, or otherwise) and academia were crossed off for her, indefinitely. Despite her small-scale involvement in and admiration for community enhancement, and despite her partiality to learning subjects that interested herâdespite these character traits, both administrative work and academia were never going to be part of her life. Not at all, not in any substantial manner. This was as sure as factâfuture fact. She felt that now that these two things were put to the side and ignored, finding her path in life would be easier. Now that top-down endeavors, or directorial endeavors–regulatory, managerial-type things, like program management and coordination, and legislative-type things–were crossed off, as was graduate school, she felt that the puzzle in front of her had cleared, and that the dots were starting to connect. Something (other than the crossed-off aspects of life) was calling her into its arms–she just wasn’t sure what it was, exactly. Maybe it was art, animation, and writing; it was likely the art and writing thing.
She ultimately planned to work at an animation studio, in the distant future. She wanted to go into something called 2d animation, or hand-drawn animation. She felt slightly apprehensive that 2d animation was waning in the overall industry, and that 3d style was the more common and acceptable format, these days. She wanted to draw as much as possible, rather than arrange 3d models and graphics into appropriate images and positions, and so she hoped she could find a future in 2d. She had a feeling it might be a slightly dying craft and technique.
In a primordial sense, or in a natural sense, she could have been one of two types of people. Thatâs how she rationalized it in her mind. She could have either been a more out-and-about (on-the-move), outgoing, and outward type of personâŠone who is fine with talking to others, and is comfortable (fine) doing so; or she could have been a more inward, withdrawn, shy-ish type of personâbut one who would take full advantage of her interest in certain solitary activitiesâŠone who would become a good chef and homemaker, a good library assistant, a good multimedia arts specialist, and etc. She actually felt that if she gave drawing her best effortâif she would be able to surmount the intrusive thoughts that she encountered as she created visual work, and if she gave it her bestâshe felt that she could become a good visual artist. She felt that she could be one of the more earnest and good-quality ones in the field, by all means, if she would overcome some of her difficulties and psychological challenges, and simply give it her best. She always admired visual artists, and stuff like that. Van Gogh was one of her idols, even considering that she did not believe in elevating anyone, to any significant extentâany public figure or person of influence. She had purchased a certain book which had been marketed as one of the definitive biographies of van Gogh, when she was 27. She knew that van Gogh died young, and that he had had many severe predicaments in his life. All the better, to her; she felt that that was more relatable and somewhat more appropriate than a trouble-free life. | She felt that she could have either been an outward person, or a more introspective person. If she was more outward, she might have been involved in more human-centered things, as they are sometimes referred to. But of course, she was actually supremely glad that she was more withdrawn. What difference does it make whether one is outgoing, or withdrawn? Everyone will excel in their own respective field, anyway. They should, I should say. More importantly; everyone is their own person. Everyone is inextricably tied to the other, yes–but we’re all different. We have our strengths and our weaknesses–everyone. No one is above the other, in any inherent way–it’s incorrect to think in that manner. And so; what’s the problem? Why all the self-criticism, and juxtaposing oneself against others? And why question one’s self-worth, and one’s value in the world? There’s a backdrop of self-loathing; we live in a juxtapose-oneself-against-others life. She herself was not immune to this. She existed within a constant framework of self-loathing, especially when comparing her life with others’. She didn’t want to live like that anymore, though. She’d heard âThereâs no comparison between the sun and the moon; they both shine when itâs their time.â | She didnât mind any of the negative things that had happened to her in the past. She was beginning to open her heart more to the negativity, and to feel whatever emotions happen to run through her psyche. This, rather than questioning why. She thought if she could also open her mind and her mental faculties/processes to the elements, and to pain and sufferingâthat that would bring a lot of clarity and strength, somehow.Â
She felt that the difficulties of life are meant to be solved, or otherwise ignored and emolliated. Theyâre meant to be moved on from, at any rate. Difficulties are all rough patches, in the quintessential sense of the wordâwhether theyâre sociopolitical, familial, mental, or otherwise. And so one lesson that she felt she learned is; donât center your life around trying to eradicate difficulties, if you donât want to. Difficultiesâespecially public difficulties, or oppressive circumstancesâare going to go away, sooner or later. You can be at the forefront or not; it doesnât matter. The problems themselves are going to go away, with or without you. She felt that this reality was very similar to the Islamic hadith of âThere is no ailment or bodily/mental disease that does not have a cure, or good alleviation for it.â She believed the exact wording was that “God did not create a disease that does not have a treatment associated with it, at all.” And so, similarly, or just the same, she saw that thereâs no political condition or oppressive circumstance that wonât be solved, eventually. Not on its own, of course; not by itselfâbut that doesnât necessarily mean anything, or indicate anything, beyond the apparent. She felt that she wasn’t really needed in any real way, and that gave her a lot of relief, strangely enough. Nobody expected anything from her, and so she could do whatever she wanted. She liked drawing and being in nature, as aforementioned. She was good at making bread pudding and rice pudding, and she actually made really good bechamel lasagna, and macaroni salad. She even cooked really good Sudanese food, even though she had fallen out of practice with that cuisine. She had prepared a few traditional dishes back in her late teens and early twenties, and they were quite good, actually. She meditated whenever she had the chance–and she read a lot; poetry, nonfiction, fiction, plays, everything–and she performed/offered the ritual Islamic prayers, as often as she could. | She honestly didnât care what anyone said to her, or anything like that. She thought she was beginning to find some happiness in her life by that time, and at long last. She tired of being anxious and depressedâfearful and psychologically tormented. Being fearful and upset had grown wearisome, by that point. She thought that she wasn’t much of an innovator, or a mover-and-shaker, in life–nor was she dependent on others, very much. We all rely on others to varying degrees, but she felt emotionally and adjacently independent. She didn’t crave or need very much emotional or nearby (close-proximity) support, anymore. Or, any longer. Independence of spirit and strong resolve is one of the best things to have, in fact. She thought she was richly blessed–she was starting to not see anything wrong with her life, or with her; or with how she lived her life; or with anything that had happened, or was happening. She thought it wasn’t her fault, exactly; and that she had actually been happy, all along. She thought that the brain often tricks the person into thinking she’s not happy–it’s a counterintuitive psychological reaction to the negativities of life. But she had a suspicion, or she suspected, that everyone in life was more or less happy; she felt that no one is truly bothered by anything (bad) that happens. She herself was starting to wonder why she had cared so much about certain negativities in her own sphere, or her own life.
a portfolio 